Opening The Door to Transparency: 3 Topics to Always Discuss with Your Teen
A while ago, I promised my children transparency.
I promised to never shield them from the mistakes I made growing up but use them as a way to establish an open and honest relationship. Free from judgment and the fear of receiving punishment rather than guidance. The conversations my oldest child and I have had would be surprising to most. I’ve shared many of my mistakes, how they affected me and how I overcame them. I never want my children to feel like my life experiences are unrelatable to theirs. Or I am the living, breathing example of perfection. I want them to know, believe and understand we all make mistakes. Some little. Some huge. And some mistakes we will have to carry for the rest of our lives. However, they don’t have to determine who we are or destroy who God created us to be.
I was recently reminded of this promise while reflecting on my son’s new journey into high school. This year he returned to campus as a freshman in high school after spending part of 7th grade and his entire 8thgrade school year at home doing virtual learning. I know this year will be a year of change and adjustment. Outside of hitting puberty HARD during the pandemic, he’s having to play catch up with social skills and relationship building.
High school was a difficult time for me. While I excelled academically, I struggled emotionally. Most times, feeling alone and misunderstood. Those feelings drifted me into depression, something I didn’t understand at the time. Causing me to hide it from those around me out of fear of being judged or feeling further misunderstood.
At that time, MENTAL HEALTH was never really discussed. To be honest, it wasn’t a ‘hot topic’ like it is now. Those who struggled emotionally at my school were ostracized and picked on. Not to mention, the school had zero resources to address issues of mental health. The fear of being treated like ‘those’ kids kept me from talking to anyone, even the adults I trusted. I never want my children to experience that level of loneliness. While I may never be able to prevent all their struggles with mental health, I can create a safe space for them. Free of judgment, fear, and punishment.
1 in 5 adolescents has a mental health disorder (cdc.org). 30-45% of adolescents and young adults who have mental health disorders have a co-occurring substance abuse disorder (drugfree.org).
Checking on our children’s mental health can also allow us to be proactive in preventing/ recognizing the signs of SUBSTANCE ABUSE. This all goes back to the core of having a healthy relationship with your child. A relationship built through quality time, honesty and transparency, can help parents be a source of information and refuge for a child that is struggling. It also allows a parent to see subtle changes in their child’s behavior, hygiene, and a decline in academics and social skills. Ultimately knowing when to step in and seek professional help for your child.
The idea of my child having SEX scares the hell out of me!
But it’s a reality that I have to come to terms with sooner than later, at least for my oldest child. Sex was something my parents (well my mom) always discussed with me. However, for me, I needed more than conversation. I needed to feel heard and understand. I needed the relationships in my life to be acknowledged & taken seriously. Most importantly, I needed to believe I could have an honest and realistic conversation about sex without the fear of punishment.
While I understand kids will always turn to their friends for advice, I want to be my child’s primary source when it comes to the topic of sex. I want them to be comfortable talking to me about the pressure they may feel or their desire to engage in sexual activity. I know from experience, our teens will make this decision on their own. I can’t prevent it, but I can provide him with the support and education he needs to make the best decision he can…
and pray to GOD HE WAITS UNTIL MARRIAGE!!!
I promised my children transparency. I promised to never shield them from the mistakes I’ve made. So far, I’ve made good on that promise. As my son enters into this new and exciting time of his life, he will be faced with real-life decisions.
I pray my promise stands true and he understands that I am here for him & that I am open to discuss any topic, no matter how hard the conversation may be…
RESOURCES
1 . “ Substance Use + Mental Health in Teens and Young Adults.” Drug Free.org.
2. “Data and Statistics on Children's Mental Health.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 22 Mar. 2021, www.cdc.gov/childrensmentalhealth/data.html.