Birthing Sadness

“The moment that changed me forever was the moment my first child was born. I was happy, filled with hope, and thought, ‘Now I understand the whole point of work, of life, of love.’”

– Paul Theroux

 This is such a beautiful quote. Unfortunately, it doesn’t come close to describing how I felt during my first pregnancy. Almost two years after having an abortion, I was pregnant again. I hadn’t healed from that experience. My heart was still heavy with grief. The shame and guilt I still struggled with, began to multiply. 

 How could I make this mistake twice? I knew a second abortion was not an option. I promised God I would never walk through the doors of that clinic again. But what was I going to do? As I prepared for the birth of my child, there were so many questions. So many emotions and I struggled every day. Every day, for nine months, I told myself I didn’t deserve this child. I didn’t deserve to love him. I didn’t feel this was my second chance. I didn’t feel like this was redemption. In a way, I felt this pregnancy was my punishment. The burden of carrying a child who would forever remind me of the one I would never get to hold. Never get to raise. Never get to love. 

 I was so lonely during this pregnancy. My abortion was an ugly secret no one wanted to talk about. No one understood the pain I was going through or how I was tormented by the guilt and shame of that decision. No one knew that those feelings I struggled with didn’t magically disappear with my second pregnancy. Instead, they overwhelmed me.

It was as if I was pregnant with twins. One growing, filled with life and beautiful possibilities. While the other was filled with sadness. Attaching itself to everything my child would need to survive in my womb.

I was told, the moment I gave birth will be the moment I fall in love with my baby. But it wasn’t. The day I gave birth to him, I also gave birth to the sadness that grew inside of me. Holding him reminded me of the baby I never got to hold. The child I threw away and the grief that made me want to take my own life. I was overcome with sadness. I wanted to love this baby. I wanted to be everything he needed me to be. My heart cried out for him, but my mind wouldn’t accept him.

 For the first year of his life, I continued to struggle. I fed him. I cleaned him. I held him. But there was no real attachment. I wasn’t in love with my baby. I was over-protective and careful because I knew that was my job, but what I felt was unexplainable. 

 As time went on, I began to fall in love with my son. As I look back, so much damage was done. The sadness I carried during my pregnancy, the sadness I struggled with the first year of his life, it all came with a cost. Our relationship suffered and I have blamed myself for everything my son has struggled with.

 A woman’s mental health can have negative consequences on a child as early as pregnancy. Exposure to depression and anxiety during pregnancy can result in infants that are more irritable and less able to respond to stress. For newborns, It can impact the bonding and attachment that should naturally develop. Disruption in the parent-child bond can inhibit the child’s ability to regulate stress. A disrupted attachment is the root of many behavioral and psychiatric disorders for children. This disruption can also cause cognitive developmental delays and poor academic performance.

My son will be 14 this month. And I love him more than life itself. I look at him and thank God for allowing me the opportunity to be his mother. 

He was my second chance. 

It was a painful second chance but without it, I would have never been able to work through my pain. I would have never realized just how strong I was. How life was worth fighting for no matter how painful my days were. I’d be lying if I said I don’t hold on to some of the guilt that comes with the question of “what if”. What if I knew the sadness I struggled with, was really depression. What if I knew how damaging my mental health could be to my unborn child. What if I spoke to someone and received the help I needed. Would things have been better for me and my son? 

Regardless of the ‘what ifs’, there is one thing I am sure of. I am proud of who he is and the young man he is growing into. I am proud of being able to raise this beautiful soul in the midst of so much pain. I fought for him. I fought to love him. I fought to be the mother he deserved. I fought to be here every day to tell him I love him. 

While the world may see one thing, I see through the eyes of the past and present. With God at the center of everything we do, I know our future will be even greater.