What The Hell...

It’s easy to write about all the butterflies and loving kisses. Its hard to write about when and where things went wrong or how pain slid into the gaps of our relationship. 

 Two years into our relationship, Jaden was born. On January 18, 2008, just two months before his 1st birthday, we were married. No time for a wedding, Papa received orders to deploy so we said our “I dos” at the courthouse. Thirty days later, he left for Cuba. The 1st 6 months of our marriage was spent writing love letters to one another, skyping when we could and quick phone calls throughout the week. 

 Upon his return we purchased our 1st home and what seemed to be a happy ending quickly fell apart. The same passion we used to love one another was the same passion we used during arguments. We loved each other but we didn’t know how to love one another. Prior to getting married we did 6 months of pre-marital counseling. We went over everything- finances, parenting, in laws, extended family…you name it, we talked about it. Despite all of our preparation, nothing could prepare us for all that went into making a marriage work. 

 There was a lack of maturity in our marriage. Control was something we both felt we had to have. It was toxic. We didn’t understand (our roles as husband and wife let alone) how to love one another. We were drowning in life’s responsibilities. Just starting our careers, raising a challenging child, we had no clue what we were doing. We both were guilty of holding on to past relationships, allowing the scent of temptation to fill our marital bed. It destroyed the trust we had in one another. We were pushing each other away with such force all while holding on to each other as tight as we could.  It was a vicious cycle. 

I began to resent Papa. I removed myself from him completely. I closed myself off from him emotionally. No affection, No intimacy, No kind words.  

Time went by and the inevitable happened…