Grace Through a Child

I was home one weekend from college, in my room, sitting on the bed, crying. I was tired. I was broken and I was alone. In walks Deshawn. My then 3-year-old nephew. He quietly walks past me and into the bathroom. Seconds later, he emerges with one small piece of tissue paper. He climbs onto the bed and sits right next to me. He reaches up, wipes the tears from my face and holds my hand. He didn’t say a word, he never asked me what was wrong, he just sat there quietly while I cried. Every now and then wiping the tears from my face…

I don’t know how long we sat there or how long I cried. But I had never felt God’s presence until that moment. I hadn’t prayed in months. I couldn’t face God, not after what I did. The enemy made sure that I believed I was beyond the realms of forgiveness. But God loved me so much, He missed me so much He sent His grace, His reassuring peace to me through the innocence of a child. 

How ironic.

A small child. My hurt was birthed through my decision to throw away my child. But he used a child, one that I loved so dearly to walk me back into His grace. Some people always wondered why I have a closeness with D. From birth, he was the most amazing creation to me. But after that moment he meant even more to me. He was my angel, my God sent. I was back in that dark closet, hopeless, hating life, hating myself and I was tired. I was tired of crying, tired of hiding my brokenness, tired of breathing. The enemy is clever and he will take whatever you’ve done and turn it into a spiritual cancer. He made me believe there was no treatment, no cure, only death. But God used an angel to breathe life into my spirit. To bring me hope and strength, to not just ask for forgiveness but to forgive myself. 

I can still feel the warmth of the sun shining on my left shoulder and the warmth of that tiny body holding my right hand. It was as if God was sitting on my left and an angel was on my right. It had to have been a glorious moment in heaven. Because for the first time in years I couldn’t feel that darkness hovering behind me. I could only feel the warmth of God’s presence. 

I felt free. I felt forgiven.