I know I get tired of my kids, but can I really get burned out?

At first thought, it’s funny to imagine getting mommy burnout. I mean, we all get tired of our kids but to say I’m burned out on parenting is a bit extreme, right?

WRONG!

In all honesty, I’ve been there, and I am sure many of you have too. The endless to-do list that comes with motherhood along with the anxiety and worry one may experience from being in charge of those little lives can become overwhelming. As we move through this post-pandemic way of life, the feeling of parental burnout is becoming more and more common. Parental burnout is the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion that one feels from the chronic stress of parenting. It is the result of prolonged stress where parenting demands outweigh one’s ability to meet expectations. It can cause emotional distancing from your child, irritability, forgetfulness, increased feelings of anxiety or depression and it can also cause one to question their ability to parent their children. 

Generally, burnout is associated with helping occupations however, research tells us something different. Since burnout is the result of chronic exposure to emotionally draining environments, an individual can experience it in many different areas of their life. New studies are now considering the strain of pandemic and post-pandemic parenting and how it has played a role in the growing number of parents who experience burnout. It’s no surprise most parents felt an increase of stress and feelings of anxiety throughout the pandemic. However, burnout was more likely to occur when there was an imbalance between stress and one’s resources. 

 Recognizing parental burnout is the first step towards addressing it. In order to do so, you will have to be honest with yourself and acknowledge some pretty tough feelings. According to the Parental Burnout Assessment, primary symptoms of burnout, usually occur in stages. The first stage is characterized by overwhelming exhaustion. The type of exhaustion depends on the age of your child. Parents of younger children are more likely to experience physical exhaustion. While teen parents can experience emotional exhaustion due to parent-child conflicts.

 The second stage is characterized by distance and isolation. Parents will distance themselves from their kids to preserve their energy. Stage three is when parents notice a loss of fulfillment in parenting. It’s when you begin to feel like you don’t want to be around your children and parenting is something you no longer want to do. These feelings often lead to additional shame and guilt. 

 Parental burnout is dangerous. Unlike a job that allows vacation and sick leave, parenting does not. If left unaddressed, it can lead to feelings of hopelessness and increased chances of child abuse or neglect. Identifying and addressing signs of burnout is essential to the well-being of parents and their children. Here are a few things to do once burnout is identified:

Find someone to talk to – Talking about how we feel, especially when guilt and shame are involved, is a hard thing to do. However, it is absolutely necessary. A loving support system is needed through all phases of parenting, during the good and the bad. Understanding that you are not alone, can lead to a sense of relief. Talking about it can normalize the conversation amongst friends allowing others to share their own struggles and how they worked through them. Parenting groups are a great way to meet like-minded individuals. They may also help you feel heard, seen, and understood. Therapy is a great way to build your support system. Finding a therapist you trust can help you maneuver through your feelings and help you discover healthy ways to cope. 

Get enough sleep – Sleep is crucial to your mental health. A good night’s rest gives your mood, mental health, and brain a boost. Going to bed on time can be difficult. However, if you can prioritize sleep, it will definitely help. A short nap, can increase your stamina, improve your mood, and allow for better regulation of emotions.

 Rethink your situation - How we feel about our situation determines how we react to our situation. If you’re feeling exhausted by your parenting role, ­rethink your perspective. Take time to think about all the things you are grateful for and areas you can grow in. This won’t fix or erase your current feelings but it can provide the encouragement you need to address the issues feeding into your feelings of burnout. 

 Learn to let go & delegate - Finding smaller ways to lessen daily stress is important. Learn to delegate certain tasks such as grocery shopping to your partner. If you have older children at home, have them help with certain household chores. Outsource if you can. Whatever those small changes are make sure they lessen your levels of stress and not increase it. 

Grow your parenting skills - Keep your parenting toolbox full. Learning new and effective parenting strategies can help in challenging situations. It gives us the tools we need to adjust to our children’s needs and can lessen our stress along the way. A quick google search can help you identify online and local parenting resources. Whether you’re looking for parenting books or classes, find a way to add different parenting styles and strategies to your toolbox. 

Take a little break - Self-care is key. Even in midst of a full day, finding a few minutes for yourself can make a world of difference. A 5-minute escape behind a locked door, parking the car and listening to your favorite song before hopping in the pickup line, treating yourself to your favorite afternoon beverage (without treating everyone in the house!) Creativity is key. Whatever you choose to do, it doesn’t have to be big or extravagant, it just has to be for you! And don’t forget, during that break remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.

Remember why & show yourself grace - Parenting can be both difficult and rewarding at the same time. During times of difficulty remember the special moments that you’ve shared with your children and how you felt in that moment. Allow yourself to experience that joy all over again as you sort through the smiles, hugs, and proud moments you’ve encountered as a parent. Think of your children’s positive traits and the things you love the most about them. Allow these feelings to help you through times of frustration and allow yourself to acknowledge the difficulties of parenting without feeling like a failure. 

Parental burnout won’t last always and can be temporary if addressed. However, If your feelings of burnout is impairing your functioning or causing suicidal ideation, it’s important to reach out to a mental health provider for professional support.

Resources 

1.     Lin, Gao-Xian, et al. “Aiming to Be Perfect Parents Increases the Risk of Parental Burnout, but Emotional Competence Mitigates It.” Current Psychology, 2021, https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-021-01509-w.  

2.     Mikolajczak, Moïra, et al. “Is Parental Burnout Distinct from Job Burnout and Depressive Symptoms?” Clinical Psychological Science, vol. 8, no. 4, 2020, pp. 673–689., https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702620917447.  

3.     Mikolajczak M, et al. (2017). Exhausted parents: Sociodemographic, child-related, parent-related, parenting and family-functioning correlates of parental burnout.

4.     Grose, Jessica. “How to Avoid Burnout When You Have Little Ones.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 15 Apr. 2020, https://www.nytimes.com/article/parental-burnout-guide.html?action=click&module=RelatedLinks&pgtype=Article.