Faith Fatigue: The Highs and Lows of Living By Faith

2021 hit me hard…

Despite the hopes that the pandemic was closer to an end. Despite the kids returning to school and adjusting to the new norm of daily living, 2021 has been tough for me. Due to a number of events that collided together, I’ve wandered through this year broken-hearted, struggling to keep a lid on a depression that I was confident I would never struggle with again and lost in a world filled with facades that leave you feeling less than…

Faith has always been the pillar of my relationship with God, as it should be. But as the year progressed and the ups and downs of life left me drained, I no longer felt the desire to lean into God for support. I knew it was necessary, but I was tired. Tired of believing at some point things would be better. Tired of believing all my hard work would pay off and tired of trying to add all my small wins together in order to give me enough strength to keep working towards bigger accomplishments. I was tired of talking to God. Tired of praying. Tired of reading my bible. 

I was exhausted.

I began to skip my morning prayers and bible study. As days turned to weeks, I realized I hadn’t written in my prayer journal in months. I was flooded with guilt and shame, knowing that was an essential part of my mental and spiritual wellbeing. Yet, I didn’t want to do it. One night I finally realized what I was experiencing.

As a social worker, I’ve experienced compassion fatigue many times. It’s a term used to describe the physical, emotional, and psychological impact of helping others, often through experiences of stress or trauma. It’s often mistaken for burnout but in reality, it’s exhaustion found on a deeper level. Similar to compassion fatigue, faith fatigue is characterized by discouragement, disconnection, and weariness in the midst of your Christian journey. You’re not burnt out on Christ. You’re exhausted from the never-ending journey of having faith in God’s plans for your life and the world around you. 

I created Three Armed Mom-ster as a platform built on transparency in hopes of encouraging those who struggle with some of the same things I have struggled with. I can stand with confidence and claim those victories while providing a true sense of hope for others. I’ve only shared the things I’ve overcome because I can say “you can overcome this too” knowing and believing that you can. Because God allowed me to overcome those same things.  As for the pain and burdens I currently carry, I hold them within. I find it difficult to stand with the same confidence, declaring “you can overcome this too” when I am currently drowning in circumstances that make me feel hopeless.

And yes, as a believer we are taught to lean closer into Jesus during these times. Claiming victory through our faith in Christ. Yet, in knowing all of this, I still sat and cried instead of praying. Moved throughout my day angry, instead of allowing God to deal with those who have hurt me. I completely shut Him (God) out because the thought of talking about it again, even to God, made me feel exhausted. 

So, what’s the point of sharing all of this?

After having a conversation with a few friends, I realized this feeling of spiritual fatigue was common. Listening to friends share their experiences, whether past or present, allowed me to feel a little less alone and lessened the feelings of guilt I was carrying. It allowed me to see, while I may have leaned away from God, He was still pulling me closer. Through His grace and understanding, He provided his comfort and reassurance by way of the close friendships that surrounded me. Yes, I needed God, but my flesh needed reassurance. It was something He didn’t have to do but because His love for me is endless, he gave me what I needed at that moment. 

In the end, I learned that while I share victories, it’s important that I share the things I am currently striving to conquer. All with the same confidence as those I have already defeated. I found comfort in hearing the stories of others and how they are currently navigating through this season of their lives. It was encouraging and allowed me to see that even though I was pulling away from Him, he was still pulling me closer and closer to Him. In doing so, He sent me a loving community of support. They helped me to see that my exhaustion was not something to hide from God but to present to him as I did with them. Using the friendship and paternal comfort that I’ve historically found in our relationship as a resting place. 

I’m not back to where I used to be, but I am determined to find my way back to my prayer closet. Unfortunately, I can’t leave my heartache and struggles in 2021. They will enter into 2022 alongside me. However, I refuse to deal with them alone. I will lean back into God and use the tools he’s blessed me with. I found a therapist. I re-established healthy boundaries. I refuse to run from these feelings but embrace them, acknowledge them and lean into them. 

In the midst of that exhaustion, I can still find comfort in Jesus. Without talking. Without reading. Without my prayer closet. He still meets me in midst of my weariness, loving me, protecting me, and providing for me as I rest my body, reframe my mind, and replenish my soul.