Marriage Mondays: ‘The List’ Edition

A few months before we got married Papa and I wrote a list. Our son was 8 months old and we were preparing to get married. During a time of excitement and new beginnings, we were working on each other’s nerves. It was the little things that had us at odds. At the time, our communication was terrible, making it impossible for us to constructively address our issues. As time went on those little things began to pick away at us, until we both hit a boiling point.

We decided to make a list. No matter how big or small, we wrote down what bothered us about the other. We both agreed to be open about the list and not easily offended. Once the lists were received, we were then required to respond to the other’s concerns with an idea on how to ‘fix’ the issue. I’m not going to lie, some things on the list made us laugh and some things had us ready to fight. In the end, we both needed to hear exactly how the other felt. It allowed us to address things early on, instead of waiting until it was too late.

We made our lists on November 13, 2007. Every now and then we pull out the lists and laugh about some of the things that use to bother us and discuss some of the things we are still working to change. It is a gentle reminder that nothing happens overnight. Change can happen with a little honesty and awareness. Some changes can happen immediately, while some changes can take years.

Ironically, everything we put on the list was something that made us into a better version of ourselves. Papa didn’t want me to change who I was. He wanted me to respect him, be more confident in myself, and allow him to lead. Once I began to do so, I naturally saw the changes I wanted from him. 13 years later, we are still growing from that one moment of truth. That list was one of the best things we could have ever done for our relationship.