Marriage Monday: " Same Fight, Different Day" Edition
Did you know papa and I almost broke up over a snickers ice cream bar?!
A few years later we fell out over a turtle’s pecan cluster! It sounds silly, I know, but it has been a consistent issue within our marriage. I think he’s inconsiderate for not asking. He thinks I’m selfish for not sharing!
One of the greatest obstacles couples face is developing and maintaining healthy communication in the midst of conflict. Whether it be a disagreement over parenting, finances, who used the last roll of toilet paper, what church to join, or the simple yet complicated question of “what do you want to eat” can send a couple into a sparring match that could potentially last for days…
That’s if healthy conflict behaviors and interventions aren’t used to reach a resolution!!
Research shows that conflict behaviors (how you respond to conflict at the moment) predict divorce and that conflict behaviors can become less negative over time. However, with a large percentage of marriages ending in divorce, estimates ranging from 40 to 50%, not many couples make it to see if conflict will decrease within their marriage over time (1).
Conflict behaviors within marriage can present in many ways. The most common behaviors are blatant negative reactions to marital problems such as yelling, insults, criticism, and belligerence. Withdrawal behaviors involve disengaging from the conflict by leaving the situation or remaining quiet throughout the disagreement. There are countless negative conflict behaviors and regardless of the terms, conflict behaviors may influence couples’ marriages(2). Constructive behaviors can include saying nice things, calmly discussing the problem, and actively listening. Constructive behaviors during conflict can lead to improvements in evaluations of marriage and increases in marital satisfaction and stability (3).
Research shows 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable. These may be things like personality traits your partner has that are irritating, or long-standing issues such as spending or saving money. While most conflict is deemed unsolvable, couples must still learn to manage their conflict instead of avoiding it or attempting to remove it. As trying to solve unsolvable problems is counterproductive (2,4).
Discussing them is constructive and provides a positive opportunity for understanding and growth. Here are a few tips that can help you and your partner effectively manage conflict around unsolvable problems.
Tips for dealing with conflict in marriage(6):
1. Addressing current conflicts
When addressing current conflicts both partners should avoid persuasion tactics until each one can state their position clearly and fully.
This involves active listening.
Both partners must be emotionally calm when speaking. The listener should take notes on what the speaker says. The speaker should start by stating their feelings by using “I” statements and asking for needs to be met in a positive and respectful way.
2. Take a time-out
When things get too heated, take a 15 to 20-minute break and do something soothing and distracting that will help you calm down. When both partners are ready to talk, engage in active listening with no interruptions.
Remember to use “I” statements and be upfront about expressing your needs. You can also use repair attempts. A repair attempt is any statement or action (verbal, physical, or otherwise) meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control. Be mindful of your body language. Nod your head, make eye contact, and even offer a physical gesture of affection.
3. Acknowledge past hurts.
Past emotional injuries are can act as triggers. Whether they have occurred prior to or during the relationship. Avoid being negative when discussing triggers. You both need to speak calmly and understand that both of your viewpoints are valid, even if you disagree. The goals are to gain comprehension of each other’s perspectives and to acknowledge that regrettable incidents are inevitable in long-term relationships.
4. Apologies make all the difference
Offer a genuine apology to your partner regardless of your agreement or disagreement with their perspective. Focus only on the fact that you hurt your partner and that you need to take responsibility.
Verbalize what you can take responsibility for, as well as any other factors that played into you getting caught up in the fight. Ask your partner what he or she needs from you to heal and move forward. Be sure to follow through on the request.
5. Accepting Differences
Couples can get stuck on their perpetual problems. When a couple has learned to accept their differences on certain topics, even if minor arguments arise occasionally, the couple can increase their overall satisfaction.
Accepting those differences involves examining the meaning and dreams that form the basis for each partner’s steadfast perspective. Each partner may be able to find a way to honor their partner’s dreams, which often amounts to fulfilling a core need regarding the issue at stake.
Those couples who successfully navigate a recurring problem in their relationship have learned to express acceptance of their partner’s personality, and they can talk about and appreciate the underlying meaning of each other’s position on the issue.
6. Listen & Be open to compromise
Take turns speaking and listening. When speaking, communicate clearly and honestly. Where does your perspective or position on the issue come from, and what does it symbolize for you? What kinds of lifelong dreams or core issues are at stake for you?
While listening, you must create a safe space. No judging or arguing, and don’t give advice or try to solve the problem. Show genuine interest in what your partner is telling you, and allow them enough time and space to fully communicate their concerns. Ask questions so that you can both fully explore the issue and its related meaning.
Find ways to create small compromises that can pave the way to larger plans. If your dreams differ, try to find areas where they overlap or try to make plans to give each partner’s dreams a chance to grow and become reality.
All relationships have ongoing problems that can resurface throughout your lives as a couple. However, learning to address those issues with constructive conflict behaviors and effective interventions can increase marital satisfaction. Leaving both partners feeling loved, understood, and appreciated.
RESOURCES
1. Cohabitation, marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the United States. Bramlett MD, Mosher WD Vital Health Stat 23. 2002 Jul; (22):1-93.
2. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.
3. Karney BR, Bradbury TN. The longitudinal course of marital quality and stability: A review of theory, methods, and research. Psychological Bulletin. 1995;118:3–34.
4. Gottman JM. What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale: Erlbaum; 1994.
5. Gottman JM, Levenson RW. Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 1992;63:221–233.
6. Dr. Marni Feuerman, L. C. S. W. (2021, February 10). Managing vs. resolving conflict in relationships: The blueprints for success. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships-blueprints-success/.